I remember that we had copies of the Guinness Book of World Records in my secondary school library in those days, and lazy students that we sometime were we would stroll into the library like we had an important book to study. Lies, we just wanted to flip through the pages of the Record books, see pictures and read stories that had almost nothing to advance our academic pursuit. In those days I considered everyone that made it into the Records book a great person since what caught my interest were those great records like the world’s richest man, richest family, most powerful woman, fastest man, largest business empire etc. These are no mean records.

I think it was the Dafinone family that first penned our name in the World Records when the family was recognised as the family with the highest number of chartered accountants in the world. Great recognition envied by many parents. In 1998, our nation was again honoured with Pastor E.A Adeboye setting the record of having the largest christian gathering in the world when he hosted several millions of people (4 – 8 million) at Lekki, Lagos. Nigeria was made proud again when Dr. David Oyedepo’s Faith Tabernacle, Ota was recognised as the largest single church auditorium in the world. These are also not easy feats and I celebrate them.

Then, I heard that Nigeria got the record for the longest dance competition in the world. Pardon me if I don’t really appreciate this record, it may be due to the fact that I have no idea about what professional dance is all about. But, you know this record was quickly broken and a new one set just as soon as Kaffy and friends set theirs. I’m still surprised that Kaffy hasn’t called up her peeps to reclaim the title. Tell her to do so fast or I may stage a ‘coup’ where I will gather friends together to set a new record!

I also read recently that the Lagos state deputy governor was recognised for setting a new record of the largest number of children reading with an adult. No matter how you see it, more Nigerians are having their names in the book of world records.

I foresee many more Nigerians getting in a rush to have their names in that records book. This is because I know that we love ‘honours’ and recognition in this land. This love for bogus titles, funny awards etc would make many people try their luck at the Guinness book of World Records. Haven’t you noticed how every Tom, Dick and Harry now parades a Chieftaincy title? Gone are the days when an ‘Otunba’ was a high chief, now all you need to get the appellation is an SUV and some little cash. The joke is said of a man in desperate need of a chieftaincy title who went to the king of his village. The king however told him, ‘Ko si oye nile mo’ (meaning there is no more chieftaincy title to offer) and the desperate man said that in itself is a title – the Kosoyenlemo of Kparumo land!

I knew there were also ‘funny’ records in the world record’s book like longest toe nail, strongest ear, biggest ear, tiniest waist etc but these also aren’t records a person could wake up one morning and decide he was going to break and set a new one before the end of the day. Of late I discovered that those records guys have included many ‘cheap’ awards and many are held by white dudes. While not wanting to cast dirt on the world records, allow me to COMICALLY take you through a short list of records I have thought of quickly taking advantage of.

On the 26th of October next year, I would be 26. Did you see the rhyme in that? 26 on the 26th! It doesn’t happen every year so I’m going to celebrate it in a special way. There was a way we celebrated birthdays back in my secondary school. Your poor friends would make it a day to bathe you with water anywhere they came across you, so it was in essence a ‘bath day.’ So here is what I came up with – I would invite 1, 000 of my facebook friends for the ‘bath day’ bash, I would have gone ahead to get a big ‘geepee’ tank filled with water. I would also get several buckets. I won’t forget to call the Guinness book of World Records people, that won’t be a problem as I follow them on facebook, a facebook message to them would do. They would be there to witness as my 1, 000 friends bathe me with a bucket of water each and that’s it – ‘Man with the highest number of baths in a single day’ record would be mine.

Did you see any reason why the above may not work out? Typical human beings are sure to see reasons why lofty ideas fail but never able to offer a solution. Anyway, I thought the above may not work out well because people hate to help others achieve great things, so those 1, 000 friends may refuse to show up. Solution – I would do something solo. Here is the plan. I have contacts on my phone that I never enjoy a sane conversation with, either due to network issue or the receiver’s phone. All I need do is to fully charge my phone’s battery, so that I can have 5 hours of talk time and recharge my phone with about N10, 000 worth of credit. Again, I would invite the Guinness Book of world Records guys so that my labour won’t be in vain. The call would go like this – ‘Hello. Helllllllooo. H..e…l…l…o. Can you hear me? Hello. Are you there? Hello. Ehenhen, Helllo. You said…? Heeeeelllllow.’ I would bring in different forms, tones, hues and versions of hello to last through the 5 hours that my phone would last. There you have it; I would have made the record of the ‘Highest number of hellos said in a single phone conversation.’

In the spirit of the season let me give out a tip on how a family can also get its name into the World Records Book. If you know any man in your neighbourhood who doesn’t have a good means of livelihood yet was able to do the magic of having about five (5) wives in his harem and sire about twelve (12) sons, yes sons. You can sell him this great idea. Let him get his sons to take up just one line of training, say bricklaying. He should ensure they learn a trade from a professional who has upped his game from the old fashion way of sending off trainees through ‘freedom’ but rather through a ‘graduation’ ceremony, a ‘convocation’ ceremony won’t be bad either. All we need is a proper certificate that will be tenable to those World Records guys. When the twelve (12) or more have all ‘graduated’, we would call the Records guys and show them what we have got, the ‘family with the highest number of Masons.’

You can also think of more ways to get Nigerians into that Records book so that we show those guys how much we love such honours and records!